Butt Blaster 2000 – N0MQL Shack of Knobs and Buttons

I suppose the “BB” in the model number might refer to bioBidet. Maybe. Probably.

Nice that the remote has a holster with 3M double-sided adhesive, so I could stick it on the wall straight across from the toilet. Note the “AUTO” button is two functions, depending upon what mode the unit is in when the button is pushed. Note that one of these two functions is apparently a nipple stretcher. We will get back to that.

–	blast butt more gently
+	blast butt harder
Down Arrow	move blaster further back
Up Arrow	move blaster further forward

Buttons from the remote pictured above which are not mentioned on the chart below.

Oh – “massage function” is what the nipple stretcher button does. OK, I guess that adds up. Now please take note of the temperatures described in completely un-quantified terms.

“…the water temperature could be lower than the above noted temperatures” – so, lower than “off”? And what is lower than “low” if it is not off? Hmm.

Do not smoke while on the Butt Blaster 2000. Do not attempt to shit with your pants on. Do not attempt to shit while wearing mittens. Do not attempt to smoke Virginia Slims if you identify as male.

Do not attempt to sing and dance while wearing slippers. Do not assume that any electronic device made in Asia is a karaoke machine (that’s a little bit racist). Also notice the kid is not on the seat cover lid at all.

Observe at all times! Otherwise your vile spawn will try to pee from the side like some sort of cretin. OK, but really, they DO know this device goes on a toilet, right? It’s going to get urine and excrement on it. There’s only so much observation I can do of something upon which I am seated… especially while the massage function is stretching my nipples, FFS.

Oh, and if your kid turns his head too quickly, it may pop right off. So yeah… observe at all times! If his head pops off, you’ll want to be at-the-ready with a video recorder of some sort. Maybe just put a security camera in the bathroom, so this area is observed at all times.

“If you think you’re coming in here without filling all three holes, talk to the hand.”

Yes, don’t worry, I’m getting a 3-prong right-angle replacement plug to put on this extension cord, which I’ll also shorten to be exactly the correct length. Right now there’s a coil in the hall. It’s a trip hazard. Not cool.

Alright, so what do I think of the bioBidet Butt Blaster 2000? I’m sure I’d be thrilled if this was my first bidet. It is not. About 6 years or so ago, I got a Luxe Bidet that looks identical to this one: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00A0RHSJO
…and that one hooked up to both cold and hot water, with a manually operated joystick valve similar to a single-handle kitchen faucet. The pros and cons of that system are listed below.

Pro	Con
Both hot and cold supply.	Twist a little too far and scald yourself in a place you really do not want to be scalded. Twice the connections, twice the places it could leak.
No pump – just water-pressure driven system. Aimed just right, with just enough pressure, and it can actually help with constipation.	Pull a little too high and get a water jet so vigorous it will literally tear flesh. Warning a guest user is required for this and the above, due to negligent liability. Higher pressure stream sprayed fecal solution into every crevice, many places routine cleaning cannot get to.
No pump, no fan – very quiet.	Unless you do either of the things above, and scream in pain.
No electrical connection.	No massage orgasmatron. No karaoke.

There will be times that I will miss the old unit. Several hours after a very spicy meal, I would use almost full-cold, which the BB-2000 cannot do (the coldest is room-temp water from its reservoir).

There were times I probably edged the temp up to 130 degrees F, the BB-2000’s highest temp is probably 110 or so (I will attempt to measure it, as the manual does not say).

There was no timer on the old unit, of course. In difficult times (e.g. too much cheese) I might run higher temp, for 10-15 minutes, before things got moving. The BB-2000 wash cycles are 2 minutes. Clearly, this is designed for people with a lot more vegetables in their diet, and an always-soft stool, such that all the bidet does is clean after (not assist during). Also note that if you get your skin wet, it’s less likely to tear during stretching, which is another reason to employ the bidet before/during as opposed to merely after. Anyway, this is a minor inconvenience with the new unit – I simply run several cycles. And it’s probably advantageous to be reminded how long I’ve been there, as opposed to just turning on the hose and then scrolling through my Twitter timeline. Time flies, as does high pressure fecal solution, am I right?

By Kelvin D. Olson