When men get to a certain age – and when I say “certain,” I mean I have no idea what age, and it’s probably different for each fella – their heels start to crack. Especially in Winter, especially way the godforsaken-up-here in Minnesota.
Sometimes it’s merely annoying. Like hearing Velcro sounds when merely walking barefoot on carpeting.
Sometimes it’s painful. I know a guy who thought he’d stepped on something or gotten a splinter, because it was extremely tender putting weight on his heel, but his wife looked and informed him it was merely a deep crack.
I’ve also had these jagged flakes catch on the fibers of the fitted sheet and actually create holes.
Point being: it is not simply vanity for which one might desire to smooth one’s heels.
One option is to accompany your lady friend (or better half) to the Nail Salon, which I’ve done several times. This, though, is a mixed bag sort of experience. The first time you go, the Asian women will titter and chortle with each other in their original tongue, then using intentionally-stilted English one of them will point at the rack of polish on the wall and shout at you “You, pick color?!” (giggle, giggle)
Here’s the thing, though: while you, the big oaf, has been made the butt of a juvenile joke, it is simultaneously an opportunity to show graciousness and maturity. By the third time you go with her, they’ll have ceased the teasing, and treat you like an appreciated repeat customer. Nothin’ wrong with that.
But – dude – after your hooves have been soaking for 15 minutes, they are nasty. Whomever drew the short straw in the back room and had to deal with your Swamp Thing pods deserves a big tip. Think of it as Hazard Pay. She could’ve been killed. Pony up a 50% to 100% tip.
However, for in-between maintenance, to keep the Velcro-ripping noises at bay, I find this method works wonders, and feels pretty nice, too.
I’m using a Dremel MultiMax tool, at its slowest speed, and the coarsest grit that came in the variety-pak of sandpapers.
I cannot bring myself to use the Ped Egg or any of its other cheese-grater variants. It’s too difficult to tell when you’re cutting it too close, especially because a freshly-grated surface is not particularly smooth.
And don’t use anything rotary, nor a belt sander. Effective at removing dead skin? Yes. But the problem is they’re also effective at removing live flesh, too. No, you want the short-distance reciprocating motion like the MultiMax, and I have a theory as to why this is much, much better:
Relative Compliance Of Skin Layers
The furthest-out layer of calloused skin is tough, but brittle. It’s not as compliant. It doesn’t like to bend as readily as the moister, softer, fresher flesh underneath. This is, in fact, one of the reasons it cracks in the first place. So when the MultiMax-driven sandpaper abrasive wiggles back and forth very quickly, the least-compliant skin is sheared off in tiny pieces pretty well.
But fresher skin is much more compliant. It will readily and quickly bend – to a point. Yes, it’s also not as tough, so it’s pretty easy to shear this stuff off, which is why you don’t want to push it too far. Like, a disc or belt sander will keep pushing in the same relative direction an infinite distance, while the reciprocating-twist of the MultiMax is only moving something like 0.05″ before it reverses direction.
Don’t try to remove all the dry skin. That’s foolish. Just get the non-smooth bits smoothed out. Do this regularly (sometimes daily). Your socks and sheets will last longer, and so might your relationship.
